Lucy and Lady Clarity

So Lucy led us into a drab room that was grayer than Gandalf’s beard, with two chairs  and a television and lots of posters of the eccentric Hubbard on the wall. Lucy popped in a video on the virtues of auditing. It involved a slew of Scientology actors with very white teeth who talked about  “engrams,” “auditing” and how all we store up negative thoughts subconsciously through a random series of haphazard events.

Lots of strange stuff here (I could probably do a dozen blogs on this video alone), but we must move on to other things.

After the video was over (it was over forty-five minutes long), Christa and I were ready for something else. I found Lucy in the main room, as I had a couple of questions that I wanted to ask her.

“First, how did you like the video?” Lucy asked us.

Our reply was something to the effect of either “very interesting” or “quite fascinating,” neither of which were lies.

Now it was my turn. “Why does so much controversy swirl around Scientology?” I asked Lucy. She had a swift and easy answer: “Money. The media wants headlines because headlines generate profit,” she said.

“Yet why do they pick on Scientology as opposed to something else?” I asked.

“The pharmaceutical companies are in bed with the media,” she said. “Scientology takes away from the pharmaceutical companies’ profits.”

Okay, so Lucy was quick with a quip. Not a bad spin-czar. My guess is that she’d had lots of practice answering those questions.

I also wanted to know more about this whole “clear” and “pre-clear” thing. Earlier Lucy had told me that, despite being a Scientologist for over ten years, she had not yet attained “clear” status. I was curious to know if becoming “clear” was something that Lucy longed for. Yes, Lucy said, and the length of the process varies from person to person, depending upon the number and severity of the “engrams” that a person dealt with. It all depends.

At that time the receptionist was walking by, and I asked her how long she had been a Scientologist. “Two years,” she said with a smile as she joined the circle of our conversation. I asked her if she was “clear” yet. “Not yet,” she said. “I hope to be clear someday, though. What I really can’t wait for is…”

“I’m clear!!!!”

We looked and there before us was this woman with dazzling white teeth. She had blonde hair and wore a blue pin-striped pantsuit. She seemed fifteen-feet tall. Her eyes were guacamole-green. Her face was beaming.

Christa and I looked at each other. Who was this woman? Where did she come from???

This woman had literally popped out of nowhere. How had she jumped into our conversation? Had we been miked??? Were we getting too nosy?

All of a sudden I noticed that Lucy was gone. So was the receptionist. They had completely vanished. As fast as this woman had appeared, the others had disappeared into the cracks of oblivion. It was as if this mysterious woman had brandished a magic wand out of nowhere, and with one poof of a poff they had were no more—gone.

Where did they go????

Now before us was this Wonder Woman/super Scientologist with sparkling white teeth. Her face was beaming like a supernova from a distant galaxy. Her eyes were full of strange, green mirth. Her energy level seemed olympic. She looked like a Manhatten skyscraper shrouded in pixie dust—a cross between a mythological sea nymph and Elizabeth Hasselbeck.

Her confidence was undeniable. She was more charismatic than Lucy. More maternal than Lucy. More beaming than Lucy. More blonde than Lucy. More everything than Lucy.

For a split second I wondered if I would have to fight her. Granted I was had the edge on her in terms of height and weight, yet she had an inner moxie that should not be underestimated.

She was clearly a force to be reckoned with:

“So, you’re clear?” I asked, trying to gain my footing in this out-of-the-blue conversation, still wondering if I was going to have to fight her.

“I’m clear,” she confirmed, still beaming.

“How long have you been clear?” I asked. This seemed like a good next question while I figured out:

a)    What was going on
b)    Where this woman had come from

“Two years,” she said. “It took me five years to become clear.”

“Wow! That’s fast,” I said. Maybe if I flattered her we wouldn’t have to joust.

She talked a bit about the stages of maturation, and how there were a whole host of subjective factors that went into determining clarity—none of which were concrete or fixed.

“So, reaching ‘clear’ status is not about how long you’ve been a Scientologist,” I said, “but it’s primarily about…”

“Growth,” she finished my sentence.

“Growth.” I repeated.

“Absolutely,” she said. “It’s all about growth.” And then, almost as an afterthought, she added: “And some (Scientologists) grow faster than others.” 

Poor Lucy!!!!, I thought. No wonder she had split the scene. I truly felt for her. In any case this seemed to be nothing less than a Scientology cat-fight. The “clear” star of the show was here, and Lucy and the other “pre-clear” woman had exited stage left, fading into the woodwork along with the other “pre-clears” in the animal kingdom. I wondered what the backstory was between Lucy and Lady Clarity (in the absence of a formal introduction this is what I am calling her); I didn't ask.

So Lady Clarity stood before us. Her confidence was undeniable. She was clearly proud of being clear. There was a good chance she was the mother hen of this entire branch. A few young men lingered in the background, but it looked like Clarity could eat them with her award-winning teeth. Yes, she was the head of this entire operation; maybe, maybe not. Whoever she was, she seemed to have some semblance of authority. She was confident of herself, of this place and of her place in this place.

After a couple of minutes of meaningless chit-chat, I decided to put Lady Clarity’s confidence to the test.

“Mind if I take a look around?” I asked

“Not at all,” she said, and blinked a few times.

So I left Christa with Lady Clarity to chat (Christa can talk to anyone about anything for any length of time), and I went to off explore the joint. I saw a couple of young bucks watching me but I didn’t really care. I had the blessing of Lady Clarity to look around, and, like I said, she could eat them.

I didn’t expect to find much. It’s not like they were going to leave their secret manilla folder behind the bronze bust of L. Ron Hubbard, or hide exotic paper currency from a far-off galaxy 'neath the e-meter machine. Nevertheless, I took the liberty to look around.

First I went up to a massive bookshelf and flipped through the books. It was quite a selection: L. Ron Hubbard. L. Ron Hubbard. L. Ron Hubbard. L. Ron Hubbard. And then another one: L. Ron Hubbard. I looked for Hemingway but to no avail. No Kerouac. No Shakespeare. Not even a Grisham thriller. There were no books on science. And the history section was a bit slim. No Augustine.

I did find a poster on a cubicle wall that read something to the effect of “The Fifteen Commandments of Scientology,” one of which said that “Man is basically good.”

“Man is basically good.” I looked at it and I mulled it over for awhile. “Man is basically good,” I said it out loud to hear how it sounded: “Man is basically good. Man. Is. Basically. Good. Basically, man is basically good.” It sounded nice, actually. In fact it rolled of my tongue rather smoothly: “Man is basically good.” Interesting, I thought. I wonder what the victims in Auszwitch would have to say about that one.

I glanced back over at Christa and Lady Clarity. They were chatting away like old friends. I saw Lady Clarity casually glance over at me a couple of times. I knew that my freetime of snooping was rather limited, and quickly melting away. I had two, maybe three minutes before time was up, and Christa and I would be officially personae non grata and shown the door…maybe we would be thrown out by a couple of muscle-clad, elephantine bouncers (for the record, I didn't see any muscle-clad bouncers); in any case, it was nearing time to go.

Yet there was one thing that I had been dying to do ever since we’d been in this eerie place. And it was now or never… 

…more later.

Postscript: By the way, thanks for reading. I've gotten way more hits on this blog than I ever imagined I could for a first month of blogging. I'm not sure who all is reading it, but whoever ya'll are, thanks for dropping by and stay tuned!!!

Comments

[Lori]

This blog has been fascinating! I'm INTRIGUED by Scientology and am so impressed that you and Christa got on the INSIDE! :) That was very brave and bold. I'm very proud of you both for not getting sucked in by L. Ron.

[Lori]

Sorry, one more thing...

I bet Sea Green Wonder Mirth Woman could have hopped like a crazy woman on a couch...say Oprah's...

What the world? Clear?

[Will Banister]

Thanks for reading. Just out of curiosity, is this our publicist Lori, Nate's wife Lori or a different Lori altogether? In any case I'm so glad you find you find this blog fascinating. I have to admit it's a kick to write.

And yes, Sea Green Wonder Mirth Woman could have indeed hopped up and down on the couch, or perhaps lifted it :)