Okay, so we had a short detour into the “bluesy” pop riffs of one John Mayer.
Now, we must get back to the stone countenance of one L. Ron Hubbard.
Before we move on with our hair-raising narrative, here is a short primer on the tenets of Scientology.
Here we go:
Scientology proper (an oxymoron to end all oxymorons) is a curious mish-mash of Hinduism, Buddhism, and a number of Western philosophies, including Christianity.
It asserts that 75 million years ago, a diabolical galactic warlord named Xenu was the leader of seventy-six planets in this part of the galaxy, which was way overpopulated. To solve this problem, Xenu flew 13.5 trillion beings to Earth, dumped them into volcanoes around the globe, and vaporized them with bombs. Thus, their radioactive souls (or “thetans”) were scattered like dust until they were captured in electronic traps set up around the atmosphere and implanted with a host of spurious ideas, among which were the concepts of God, Jesus Christ and organized religion in general. Many of these false ideas attach themselves to human beings, where they remain to this day unless rooted out via “auditing."
French sociologist Regis Dericquebourg—an expert in comparative religions, describes Scientology’s belief system as one of “regressive utopia,” in which man seeks to return to a primordial state of bliss, through a rigorous process that involves lots of jumping through psychological hoops.
And if the above is not bizarre enough, here is something even more bizarre. As a scientologist, you do not even have access to this “truth” until you reach the level of O.T. (operating thetan) 3; a level which you have to be invited to. It is at this stage that you are handed a manilla folder and given the secrets of the universe, which the initiated must read in a locked room.
And as Rolling Stone reporter Janet Reitman so aptly observes, this manilla folder “moment-of-truth” would be tantamount to Jesus telling his followers that He was the Son of God only after years and years of discipleship. Or Buddha not telling his minions about the poison arrow or Nirvana. Or Moses not telling the Israelites about the precepts of Yahweh after 40 years of wandering…instead making the longsuffering Israelites sweat it out and wait for the truth until he deemed them ready for it.
And what’s more, the process of enlightenment, also known as the “Bridge to Total Freedom,” actually drains one’s pocketbook. Scientology charges for almost all of its religious services—auditing is generally purchased in 12.5 hour blocks, ranging from $750 to $9,000, depending on how high up you are on the food chain.
And Scientology’s response to this? Mike Rinder, one of the directors of Scientology’s International legal wing, tells Rolling Stone: “Do you want to know the real answer? If we could offer everything for free, we would do it.” Another official says “We don’t have 2,000 years of acquired wealth to fall back on”—an obvious dig at the Church.
When I asked Lucy the same monetary question, she was not quite as acerbic. Yet she confirmed for me that auditing charges were not cheap. At the Minneapolis center, auditing charges start at $200 for twelve sessions of professional auditing. The sessions are an hour long each, yet Lucy made a point to tell us that they would not stop in the middle of a session if they hit an intense “engram” that needed to be resolved. In other words, you get your money’s worth.
What is an “engram”????
Stay tuned for the answer (hint: it does not fit into a toaster), as well as the final wrap-up—and concluding blog—for this series on my adventures with Scientology. And believe me, it will be a humdinger!